Individuals
I love working with individuals on their CNM relationships. Sometimes this work is about processing past hurts and sometimes it’s about understanding the different styles of relationships and clarifying what you really want. I work with clients on developing clear communication and agreements with partners and metamours, and managing attachment patterns and jealousy feelings that come up (they come up for everyone so don’t feel like you’re the odd duck!).
Couples, polycules, and more
Working with couples and more-than-two relationships is my specialty. We all inherited stories about what love is supposed to look like, so when you’re breaking away from the monogamy norm there’s a lot to unpack. But I believe that we can develop healthy, consensual relationships in exactly the ways that work for us. Working with multiple people in the room, I pay attention to the roles, structures, and dynamics between everyone. My goal is to help the group feel supported in navigating what’s coming and building skills to continue outside of therapy.
Heart-to-Heart Note: I’m not a detached theoretical expert handing down wisdom from afar. I live in the CNM community myself. Everything I offer in therapy is not just backed by my clinical training, but is also what I’m applying in real life to my relationships and local community. Like my clients I’m constantly evolving, refining my communication skills, and practicing what I teach.
Introduction
Most folks looking for polyamory therapy have sat with therapists who aren't CNM, don't have any exposure to the poly world, and either just politely nod along or offer unhelpful suggestions. And let's be real, polite nodding and unhelpful suggestions are what we CNM folks are constantly receiving from society. That plus the good ol', "Oh, that sounds complicated, I could never do that."
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I've practiced CNM for over a decade, specifically as a relationship anarchist. I’ve run groups and events for everyone from triads, swingers, and solo poly folks to anchor partners, sweeties, kink connections, and structures that don't even have a name yet. Whatever you're building, I won't need you to explain it from scratch or defend it. We can just get to work.
You might be here because...
You're considering opening up your monogamous relationship but the feelings are bigger and more complicated than either of you expected.
You're mid-opening up, and you or your partner are now being flooded with attachment fears, jealousy, or panic.
One partner is exploring their queerness, and the other is navigating their own complicated feelings about what that means for the relationship.
There are conflicts around expectations or agreements, and nobody can seem to get on the same page.
The complex dynamics in your polycule or relationship network feel overwhelming, tense, or aren't resolving on their own.
Communication keeps breaking down and you can't figure out how to get out of the cycle.
Jealousy is hitting harder than you thought it would now that the tables have turned, and you're not sure what to do.
You've tried therapy before, and your therapist clearly had no idea what you were talking about or what to do.
You keep ending up in situations where you feel like a secondary when that's not what you signed up for.
A new partner is entering your existing relationship, and someone is feeling unseen or unacknowledged in the process.
You're carrying internalized shame or guilt about your relationship style and can't talk about it with family or friends.
There's a conflict in your polycule and everyone has a different story about what's happening.
You've been poly for years, and you've hit a new wall or growth edge you didn't see coming.
CNM-focused therapy can help
Explore and understand the identity structure that best works for you and your partners
Develop more secure-attachment and less overwhelm in your relationships
Get better at working with jealousy and other emotions as they arise instead of being hijacked by them
Learn skills to communicate more clearly and build agreements that everyone can get on board with
Untangle the internalized mono-normative narratives and gender dynamics that keep recreating the old patterns
Take the pressure off and figure out whether CNM is genuinely right for you
What our sessions actually look like
I often start sessions with a somatic grounding exercise. Bessel van der Kolk's research and polyvagal theory both hold that you can't just logic your way out of emotions. Instead, our nervous systems respond to body awareness and learning to move the energy behind emotions. So sessions may include breathwork, mindfulness techniques, pausing to be with emotions, and other exercises to get the body involved as well as the brain.
I keep fidgets and drawing supplies in the office for those who like to move their hands or draw or diagram a situation. If you're neurodivergent or just someone who doesn't do well sitting still for 50 minutes, you're in good company.
For relationship sessions, the first session is an intake exploration where I get a clear picture of what's going on and what led you here. After that, I'll often have each person come in individually before we reconvene together. This gives everyone space to speak freely and helps me understand the whole system. Additional partners can be brought in as it makes sense.
Your identities are all welcome!
I love working with queer, trans, nonbinary, kinky, and neurodivergent folks. I believe consensual non-monogamy therapy should be identity inclusive. I also welcome all relationship structures including monogamous, polyamorous, relationship anarchist, swinging, open, and anything else you can come up with.
Want to go deeper?
Frequently Asked Questions
Ethical non-monogamy (ENM), like consensual non-monogamy (CNM), is an umbrella term for any relationship structure where people have more than one romantic or sexual connection, with everyone's knowledge and consent. The "ethical" part is what separates ENM from cheating or otherwise non-consensual multiple relationships. In ENM everyone involved knows what's going on and has agreed to it.
Under the ENM umbrella there are a whole bunch of nuanced relationship styles including polyamory, open relationships, relationship anarchy, swinging, solo poly, polyfidelity, and a bunch of configurations that don't yet have names because people are just making them up as they go.
Relationship anarchy, or RA, is a framework highlighted by Andie Nordgren's "The short instructional manifesto for relationship anarchy". RA basically asks: what if we didn't assume any relationship should look a certain way just because society tells us it should like that way? For example, what if not all romantic relationships need to include sex. Or what if deep friendships are actually as valuable as, or more valuable than, romantic partners?
It asks: what would happen if we let go of the social scripts dictating what love and relationships are supposed to look like? Would the world fall apart and chaotic lawlessness prevail? Decades of practicing relationship anarchists show that consensual self-defined relationships outside are not only possible, but can be beautiful and fulfilling.
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As a relationship anarchist, you get to design your relationships from scratch based on what you and the others involved actually want, rather than defaulting to norms inherited from society. The main difference is that the commitments you make are explicit rather than assumed.
Some people use these terms interchangeably, but in general: polyamory tends to refer to having multiple romantic relationships where romance and emotional intimacy is part of the picture.
Open relationships often refer to a committed couple who've agreed to open up to sexual connections outside the partnership, either with or without emotional commitment.
Relationship anarchy throws all frameworks out and starts from scratch, inviting each relationship to be defined entirely on its own terms.
Labels can be important anchors, but each person in a relationship may assign different meanings to the same one. So often it's always useful to get clear on what the labels mean and what your shared agreements based on those labels actually are.
Traditionally, compersion is described as the feeling of joy you get from seeing someone you love happy, including when that happiness involves another partner. People often talk about it as the opposite of jealousy, though I'd say they're more like two experiences that are sometimes both present at the same time.
Dr. Marie Thouin, a leading researcher on the topic, describes compersion in CNM relationships as a spectrum of responses to witnessing your partner engaging in relationships with others rather than as a binary of jealous vs. compersion.
In general, compersion doesn't come naturally to everyone, is almost always a work in progress, and is definitely not a test of how "good at being poly" you are. Sometimes compersion is used in a harmful way as an expecation of what you or your partner should feel.
Often people feel compersion more easily in certain situations than others (ex: compersion for an existing metamour may be easier than for a new metamour).
Compersion can feel like a relieving and wonderful experience when it shows up, but it's not a requirement for CNM. Your relationship agreements are what make you non-monogamous.
Yes! For those of you familiar with long-term CNM relationships, this may seem obvious, but for the new folks:
CNM relationships are not inherently more destabilizing, traumatic, or dysfunctional than monogamous ones. People in consensually non-monogamous relationships report similar levels of relationship satisfaction, trust, and commitment to their monogamous counterparts.
What the research shows is that some challenges of CNM are specific to CNM while others are shared across all relationship styles. Attachment triggers and communication breakdowns are universal, while jealousy, scheduling stress, and navigating societal stigma may be amplified in CNM relationships. All of these take time to work through and they don't just go away because you've read Polysecure (but do go read it!).
Despite the challenges, I believe that any form of consensually exchanged love is valid.
You just did!
More on poly therapists:
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Nowadays most liberal therapists are aware that poly relationships exist. Being "poly-friendly" means they'll at least nod along supportively. But what's harder to find is someone who actually understands the specific dynamics at play like: what it feels like when one partner is in NRE, how attachment patterns arise in and impact multiple relationships, or what the weight of internalized mononormativity and poly stigma can feel like.
Polycule dynamics can get complicated fast, and it's important for a therapist to know how to help you tell the difference between jealousy that needs tending and agreements that need renegotiating.
Good questions to ask a potential therapist:
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Have you worked with CNM clients before?
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Do you have any personal experience with non-monogamy?
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What's your approach when a client is struggling with jealousy in an open relationship?
Their answers will tell you a lot. And if a therapist's first instinct is to question whether CNM is a good idea for you without you bringing it up as a question, that's useful information too. Good polyamory counseling starts with a therapist who doesn't need convincing that your relationship style is valid.
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If your partner isn't interested in therapy, then individual therapy may be a good option for you.
Individual therapy can be genuinely useful for relationship work even when you're the only one in the room. You can do a lot on your own: developing communication skills, understanding your attachment patterns, working through jealousy, getting clearer on what you actually want and need. In my experience, relationships shift when one person in them shifts.
That said, there are limits to what individual therapy can do for certain relational dynamics. If there are communication issues, I'd encourage all parties to show up in order to make real progress.
Yep. I've been CNM for over a decade and I identify as a relationship anarchist specifically. I run community groups and events, I've navigated many of the dynamics that come up in this work in my own life, and I'm still actively doing it.
The inner work never ends, but as Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks describe in their book, The Conscious Heart, I believe relationship is a spiritual path and I've committed to learning from every relationship interaction. Making that commitment is what's made CNM feel not only possible, but joyful for me
